February 20, 2010

• One of the most delicious thing about having a connection to the Internet once more is being able to chat with friends I've made on line. Tonight I caught up with a friend on line. It is just so satisfying to chat with someone.  I like having friends. 
    

  I have a Facebook page. For a good while, I had it under a pseudonym. Recently, I decided to put my own name on the page. I wanted to touch base with friends from high school. But mostly, I wanted to be more my Self.  I don't know if that makes sense to anyone. Only recently has it started to make sense to me. Sometimes I feel that who I am is defined more by my roles as mother and nurse than by the opinions I hold or my own particular slant on the world.

  A friend of mine has asked me to dream the next half of my life. For so long, my life was defined by not bringing up my children as my parents did me. It took a lot of work on my part, mostly to learn to keep away from the short fuse that seemed to keep my mother's closed hand meeting my face.  I think I did a good enough job with my sons. Yes, I'm sure I could have done some things better, but I believe my children know that I love them.

  I have spent a lot of time in my life apologizing for who I am, for the traits I have. I no longer want to be ashamed of some of those parts, and so I work harder at loving who I am at this time in my life. I love the time I spend with my husband, and so I choose not to pursue the education as a nurse practitioner that I once thought I wanted. I am lonely for loving contact with my mother. She has chosen not to have a telephone for the last several months.  My sister is my only contact I have with my mom, other than cards I send. My mother does not send cards back, is at this time, I think, incapable of doing so due to her memory issues.  Instead, I spend time with my friend Gert. She turned 84 yesterday. My mom turned 82 today. I celebrate Gert's life in a way I cannot celebrate my mother's.  I am grateful for Gert's love. Many years ago, she declared me her other adopted daughter. I am reveling in that claim and spending time with a woman who could have been my mother.

  Part of my new life is loving having a daughter-in-law. I am delighted at Beloved Firstborn's choice of partner. They seem well suited for each other.  What I am most surprised about is how right it feels to have Fyxen in the family. I like having fresh estrogen in the family.

  late night rambling. Time for bed. Blessings abound

  • 9:38 pm
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