May 23, 2010

• Moving Right Along

  To the next imbroglio: the upcoming wedding and What To Do With Mother.

  My mother is eighty two, which isn't the problem. She has memory loss, which also isn't exactly the problem, but does contribute to the situation. She does suffer from dementia, which is a problem. Dementia layered onto pre-existing paranoia, delusions and a mean temper when she doesn't get her way. She can be very unpleasant to deal with.

  Yesterday, while talking with my sister, she told me that she can't take having mom at the wedding. She's afraid she'll turn violent, as she did two years ago when I tried to keep her from going out in below zero weather in her night gown. Sandy, my sister, wants me to tell the bridal couple not to send an invitation to Nana for the nuptials in August.  I am all for giving the invitation to Nana, but telling her she has to find her own way because she insists she is living independently and doesn't need to go to assisted living. My sister has no stomach for what I propose. She says she can't deal with having to say "no" to Nana about transporting her to the wedding. My sister generally avoids dealing with Nana even though she has DPOA's for finance and healthcare. It is not my sister's manner to confront anyone with aberrant behavior.  In her more lucid moments, Nana insists that she is an independent woman with 'people lining up to drive me places.' She has a friend who drives her to the grocery store. I don't know how she makes it to other commitments- my mother and I have not spoken since at least September of last year because A) her phone is disconnected after she refused to pay it for a year when the phone company changed hands to an organization that she didn't ask for and B) the cell phone that my sister proposed we get her is turned off and my mother never returns my calls. C) nor has she responded to any of the cards I've sent her.  I went along with the cell phone idea against my better judgement because I was told if we paid for the land line we were "enabling mom's delusions of independence." (my sister's stance.)

  So what do I do? I feel that as the paternal grandmother, the respectful thing is to send her an invitation. If, as mom maintains, she is independent, than she can deal with getting a ride to the wedding eight hours away. Quite honestly, I have had it up to here with my mother's delusions of light games with the neighbors and the cigarette butt game that tells her one of the four men who's pursued her since she moved to Belfast is still driving near the house- she picks up and collects cigarette butts that prove her paramour and six other people are letting her know he still cares!

  My sister has valid points about mom possibly turning violent as she has in the past and I don't want a scene at the wedding. My proposal is that if she does make it to the wedding, I would hire someone to tend to her needs all day as she generally does better with strangers than with her own family.  Perhaps I am deluding myself as my mother is willful and deluded, a dangerous combination. I'm all for sending the invite and leaving it up to her to get there- the problem will solve itself. My sister is dealing with things as my father always taught us to; Don't upset your mother. Easy for him to advise, he's been dead for eleven years. I'm not sure there is any one good answer, but it pisses me off to do the Don't upset your mother dance once more. At least writing about it makes me feel a little better.

  Blessings abound

  • 10:35 am
  • 4 Comments