... with weight loss. I broke into the 260's for the first time in two and one half years! Going to make it last a lot longer than I did the last time. Yeah, me!! More motivation to continue to stay away from sugar!

Blessings abound!!

Today I am home. We're having heavy rains. There is water going over the road I usually take to work.  The river is rising on the Lincoln Road side and is even with the road. I called into work. I could have made it in, but I'm not sure I would have gotten home. I didn't want to risk having to stay in the valley, so I'm home and glad of it, too.

I am almost two weeks into no sugar. The last two days I have been feeling really hungry. Not necessarily craving sugar, but wanting to eat something.  I plan on riding the exercise bike for a while today and am committed to riding it over the weekend.

There is no trying, only doing.

Blessings abound

The wood for the fire was tucked into the incline of the hill above the fire site. Each of us chose a chunk of thick hardwood and imbued it with our intention for this walk. Prayerfully, we approached the site, and wood was stacked.  The first tier of wood positioned by width, the next by length.   More than one log was placed by us all. Mine were imbued with the subjects of desired transformation. Tapers and balls of newsprint were placed in amongst the wood, to help with ignition. We stood in circle around the wood stacked chest high and three quarters the length of an average person.  We were given a gallon container of vegetable oil to share amongst ourselves, symbol of the false belief of ourselves.  Each person poured from the heart the thing they wished to transform. Mine was the belief that my body was clumsy and unreliable. I'm not sure where the small tongue of flame came from, but soon we were passing the flame to each other, newsprint tapers touched to the oil now alight. The pyre was lit and the Fire Tender left to her task as we made the journey up the hill and back into the yert.

Together our small group walked up the narrow trail to the cozy yert in the woods. Tike torches lit the way as dusk fell and the moon rose. The night was warm, but cooling just a little. Our facilitator, Stephanie, sat with us in a circle that would become a community in just a small while. We spoke a little of the walk, of the freedom to partake, or not , as one felt ready .  One woman in our group, an Indian woman named Vani, expressed her fear that she wouldn't be able to walk the fire. Her daughter had brought them to Spirit Hollow, to walk the fire. Vani was small, dressed in a deep, red shirt with sparkling brown eyes and long black hair threaded with white.

We took time to go around the circle, gazing into each other's eyes. Standing a foot or so apart, we took the time to look into the eyes of the person across from us. This is something I miss in my daily life, someone meeting my eyes when we talk, someone seeing me, me seeing them, neither one wanting to take something from the other. Meeting eyes, mirroring breath and posture, the circle curled in on itself as we all were seen. Willing to stand and be seen.

Shortly after the exercise, we made our way back down the rock littered path to the flat, grassy plain where the fire would be built and tended.

Last night I participated in my second firewalk. The early autumn air was crisp and clear. The moon was rising over the mountains surrounding Spirit Hollow. The journey from home to sanctuary was about two and one half hours, a scenic meander through New York and Vermont.

The first clue I had that something was up for me took place in the outhouse. As I tended to relief, this caught my eye on the wall:

  " Our deepest fear is not that we are inaadequate. our deepest fear is that we are powereful beyond measure. it is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselfves, Who am i to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be/ you are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.  We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.  It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other eople permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.'

The lesson had been brought to me years ago by my teacher. Here it was to remind me that I had not learned the lesson yet.

To the next imbroglio: the upcoming wedding and What To Do With Mother.

My mother is eighty two, which isn't the problem. She has memory loss, which also isn't exactly the problem, but does contribute to the situation. She does suffer from dementia, which is a problem. Dementia layered onto pre-existing paranoia, delusions and a mean temper when she doesn't get her way. She can be very unpleasant to deal with.

Yesterday, while talking with my sister, she told me that she can't take having mom at the wedding. She's afraid she'll turn violent, as she did two years ago when I tried to keep her from going out in below zero weather in her night gown. Sandy, my sister, wants me to tell the bridal couple not to send an invitation to Nana for the nuptials in August.  I am all for giving the invitation to Nana, but telling her she has to find her own way because she insists she is living independently and doesn't need to go to assisted living. My sister has no stomach for what I propose. She says she can't deal with having to say "no" to Nana about transporting her to the wedding. My sister generally avoids dealing with Nana even though she has DPOA's for finance and healthcare. It is not my sister's manner to confront anyone with aberrant behavior.  In her more lucid moments, Nana insists that she is an independent woman with 'people lining up to drive me places.' She has a friend who drives her to the grocery store. I don't know how she makes it to other commitments- my mother and I have not spoken since at least September of last year because A) her phone is disconnected after she refused to pay it for a year when the phone company changed hands to an organization that she didn't ask for and B) the cell phone that my sister proposed we get her is turned off and my mother never returns my calls. C) nor has she responded to any of the cards I've sent her.  I went along with the cell phone idea against my better judgement because I was told if we paid for the land line we were "enabling mom's delusions of independence." (my sister's stance.)

So what do I do? I feel that as the paternal grandmother, the respectful thing is to send her an invitation. If, as mom maintains, she is independent, than she can deal with getting a ride to the wedding eight hours away. Quite honestly, I have had it up to here with my mother's delusions of light games with the neighbors and the cigarette butt game that tells her one of the four men who's pursued her since she moved to Belfast is still driving near the house- she picks up and collects cigarette butts that prove her paramour and six other people are letting her know he still cares!

My sister has valid points about mom possibly turning violent as she has in the past and I don't want a scene at the wedding. My proposal is that if she does make it to the wedding, I would hire someone to tend to her needs all day as she generally does better with strangers than with her own family.  Perhaps I am deluding myself as my mother is willful and deluded, a dangerous combination. I'm all for sending the invite and leaving it up to her to get there- the problem will solve itself. My sister is dealing with things as my father always taught us to; Don't upset your mother. Easy for him to advise, he's been dead for eleven years. I'm not sure there is any one good answer, but it pisses me off to do the Don't upset your mother dance once more. At least writing about it makes me feel a little better.

Blessings abound

it never occurred to me that the hardest part of having them would be to let them go.  Last night we celebrated Boy Wonder's graduation from college.  His father and step mom were there as well as Erik and I. The guest of honor was late- he did a good deed for a friend and then took the long way home.  That gave the four parents plenty of time to be on our best behavior and chat. We've come a long way, we cooperative parents. Or are we a parent's cooperative?At any rate, we chatted, sampled the brew pub's wares and awaited the coming of Mason.

He looked happy, my son. Happy and relieved. It took him six years to do it and he worked a lot through those times. Last night he was sun kissed and relaxed from fishing and noticeably more relaxed with the burden of school off his shoulders. He announced that he was off to New Hampshire to work for the summer at a summer stock situation. He'll be doing carpentry, building stage sets. He looks happy to be doing that and to be leaving behind his job in retail in Plaatsburgh. I envy him being able to pick up and go.  Towards the end of the evening he dropped a large hint that if he can't get a job in the Northeast after the summer is over that he might consider going to California. That shocked me a bit, as I've pretty much assumed from our conversations that he was determined to stay on the East Coast.

I know this sounds foolish, but the thought of both my kids being on the West Coast leaves me feeling very alone and grown past the time when I could have been rootless and exploring. I don't know what to do with myself. Erik is perfectly happy where we are. I feel restless and want to move. I never pictured not having my kids nearby and I am unprepared for this change in my life. They are doing what they are supposed to do- go out and have a life, explore, savor. I am here and so not sure of what to do with myself next. Sorry, whiney sounding and poor me when the emphasis should be on the celebration of the accomplishments of my son in graduating and having this job he's found.

Blessings abound

I've been off and on the bike, venturing outside, coming in pedaling some more and then venturing back outdoors. So far today, I have eaten well, but find myself perplexed by some of the impulses I have. It's too cold for me to transplant the onions and parsley.  I helped Erik move lawn furniture and now feel cautious about moving anything else, has my physicality is feeling a little strained.  Finally, took down the Christmas wreaths. I have a spring wreath that needs to be fished out of the back room and hung up. I'll get to that eventually.

There's fresh rhubarb to be harvested out doors. The asparagus is a little spare of quantity, though the stalks are thick and of good quality. We had some for dinner last night and it was delicious!  The lawn has been full of violets, purple and white and was a pretty sight until Erik mowed the lawn. The black flies are out in force. I'm holding out hope for the lilacs to bloom soon. Unfortunately, some of them were shocked by the late snow we had.  I don't blame them for being shy of blooming.

Blessings abound

My food got away with me yesterday. I ended up eating a lot of carbs. I now feel bloated and loagy. It was stress eating at the office- there was birthday cake and a lot of calls where people didn't like the answer from the doc relayed by me. It's hard not to take it personally when they're venting.  The narcotics seekers can be some of the more disgruntled of the callers. I've gotten them to roll off my back in the past by eating my way through the stress. Obviously, not a coping message I can continue and expect to help lose weight.  So here's to a handfull of Tums and carbohydrate avoidance. And more exercise.

Blessings abound

I've lost fifteen pounds. I'm not as consistent as I'd like to be, but I'm more consistent than I have been in a very, very long time.

I've added more fiber to my diet. That on top of the fiber bars I've been consuming. I've added psyllium husks to my diet. Not sure how one tells if one has too much fiber, but I suspect there are a couple of ways the body will let me know. No need to detail them here.

Back to the bike.
Blessings abound