It's been a full week. My mom was in the hospital. Now she's home and my sister is looking for programs to help keep Mom at home independently. There is a care facility down the street from where my mother lives. They have an opening on Tuesdays. Mom is interested and Sandy is doing the leg work.

My eldest son has posted pictures of me on Facebook. They're from shortly after I had my back surgery. They are appropriate for Halloween viewing. However, the one's of him and Becca in their Halloween finery are very nice and much more fitting for public viewing.

I hear the polling places are hopping with voters and Senior Citizens plying baked goods for sale. I'll vote tonight in Ripton on the way home. In the evening we'll be helping count the paper ballots. The parking lot to the Community House was packed at 0700 this morning. Not enough time for me to vote and be to the office on time. So I'll do the deed tonight.

The office is quiet. Probably the calm before the storm. I've placed a picture of Kwan Yin on my computer desktop to remind me to act with compassion to myself and others. She helps. Maybe she protects me from the hoard.

Blessings abound

Today's Gratitude List

Blue skies with white puffy clouds, visible out my office window.
People talking in indoor voices
No wailing.

Coffee farts

Riding in the Jeep-with the top up
Frosted trees, dripping with heavy, white snow
Humility
Laughter with co-workers over silly, silly things.
The fun of distracting a grown-up, burly guy from the pain of an injection, and having him laugh with me.
LOL KATS

Knocking on the wall and having someone knock back
Quiet in the office.
Preparations for Halloween
My pajama bottoms with the teeny,tiny purple stars on a navy blue background
Hot milk cake with chocolate ganache
Blessings abound

There are little kids crying in our office. It seems to be one of those days where little kids are crying, not happy to see the doctor at all. And then someone calls and I feel nervous. The last time we spoke I was on the phone for half an hour trying to talk the individual into seeking help for his suicidal thoughts and plan. It was better to speak with him today, but he was still troubled. In the aftermath, Hugh Laurie floated into the little fantasy land that happens to be part of my brain these days. After I dealt with this plane of reality, I went surfing for Hugh. I did a little reading and now life seems better. Nothing like a little Hugh to make the day brighter.
How shallow does that make me, really? Not too, but it did make me remember that I am doing the best I can with what I have. And that makes what I do enough, even when it doesn't seem as though it is.
Blessings abound

My skin fits better with each day. Today, though, no matter what I do, it does not seem to be enough for those to whom I render service. Blessings abound

My skin is too tight. I want to jump out of my skin and breathe easy, but the pressure of all that didn't go right today is weighing upon my chest, making me wish for some sort of cool relief. Something like a waterfall, cool and fast, streaming over me, washing the frustration away from me.

My car decided to overheat today. The time honored trick of turning the heat on full bore to cool the engine worked and I was able to limp the vehicle to the garage so it can be checked tomorrow. My neighbor came to my rescue and picked me up at the side of the road, following me to the garage. Erik was out at a first responder call, so I couldn't get a hold of him. But I was provided for.  For that I am grateful.

When I feel this degree of frustration, it is hard to be grateful. The neutral voice in me knows that even though the events of today were trying and a problem, still all worked out well. I have the ability to rent a car for a day or two while repairs are made to mine.  I have friends and family to help me. Yet still, I feel frustration as we add more items to the list of things I cannot control.  It probably doesn't help that sleep has been interrupted this week, not only by rescue squad calls and branches crashing on the garage roof in last evenings harsh winds and heavy rains, but by weird dreams in which I am working on farmland, in a decimated landscape where people power the machines with pushing and tugging, and we sleep twelve to a room. Weird dreams, full of clutter and broken woodstoves, dishpans full of hot soapy water and the dishes of the workers in for the night. Weather beaten houses in need of coats of fresh white paint. No electricity, no cars. Lots of deer in the field, springing forth in front of us as the gay dairy farmer and his family help me push the long irrigation system that somehow (in my dream) also manages to bail hay.

I had a phone call from one of my cousins last week. He is sixty two or three.  His mother, my aunt, has dementia and is dying. He discovered a document in the safety deposit box documenting his adoption by the man he thought was his biological father. I have known for years that he was born out of wedlock and adopted by the man my aunt would later marry. No one had told him. This has struck me as immensely unfair. My mother told him what she remembered of the circumstances, and I told him what I had been told. I wish his mother had seen fit to tell him before she retreated to where ever the demented go in their minds. Furthermore, my mother should never have told me. Our family is full of promiscuity and loose lips. Or so it seems today.

I wish I had something better to offer.
Blessings abound

A major accomplishment today: I walked two miles round trip to the neighbor's for tea and bread.  I'd like to say there was a minimum of whining about being short of breath, but then I'd be lying. Erik was my cheering section, in his very understated way.   The last hill to our home was a bit of a bear after all the down hill from Ceredwyn & Bryan's house. I'm really pleased that I was able to do it. Even if I did have to use my inhaler to accomplish the feat. As my spouse pointed out, "You couldn't have done that five years ago." 

At night I dream of being able to kneel, to sit with my legs folded under me, my buttocks resting atop my heels. It's a feat in my waking life not to be had as the mechanics of my knee replacements do not allow that kind of sitting. In my dream it feels so real-as do the dreams where I'm playing soft ball, pitching, catching, running.  In those dreams my body is as light as I feel in the pool when I walk or swim.   It's a buoyancy I do not experience at my current weight and physicality.  In the dreams where I kneel, my mind is clear and I am sitting quietly. And the dream watches me sitting and I feel peaceful.

My sister was here for a while this weekend. It was good to spend time with her. Her youngest was visiting at the Morgan Horse Farm. I think Rachel was being considered for an apprentice program there. They were to discuss it this morning at 10. From there they were off to Maine and her home in Northport.  My sister will call me later and let me know what Rachel decided.

Lately, I feel I've not much to offer anyone. I feel as if the things I say are relatively insignificant. My sister says I need to be doing something besides going to work and then going home.  It's true, I've not been as good about the gym and the pool. Today I was reassured that though I wasn't in great condition, I am improving. And doing that walk showed me that walking and being in my body can be pleasureable. At one point in the walk home, I heard a buck snort in the woods next to me. I couldn't see him. He didn't go thrashing through the woods making noise so I could see him. Just that snort that indicated he'd probably gotten a whiff of Erik's pipe tobacco as the smoke streamed out on the autumn air.

I love where I live.
Blessings abound

Should I be grateful for the stresses of tight finances? Should I be grateful for my gray mood of today, matching the clouds outside?  I'm trying hard today to look at the world through eyes of gratitude and I am failing. At least, right now it feels like failure.

The root of my ill nature today is the fire department. Erik has had a lot to do with them this week, the most frightening to me being the fire setter who eventually was apprehended by State Police and a tracking dog. Out the door he went in response to a fire call. Back in he came, about fifteen minutes later to use the phone and proclaim," We have a fire bug out there!" and to request the State boys and a dog. Made me paranoid and a little shaky to hear him talk about it and the plan for trying to stop this person.And with fear for his safety came anger that he was even doing this thing, this searching for the bad guy thing. I opted to control the things I could, drew the curtains and locked the sliding glass door. And I went to sleep. 

The culprit eventually came out of the woods and is safely in jail. No firefighter, or police officer or canine was injured in the episode. But I am left feeling scared and vulnerable because he puts himself in places where there is no control from me. Instead of letting it go, I am angry. I talked with him last night about how scary this episode was and was feeling comforted and calmer when the pager went off again for an alarm that was fuzzy over the radio. He left and I gathered the dog into bed with me and went to sleep.  Tonight he'll be gone to be fitted for new turnout gear. I need to kiss this up to living with him. And I feel somewhat better having typed this. However,  I cannot now take a nap at work. Ah, well, a few deep breaths and all will be well.
Blessings abound

Today was Take Mason's Mom to Lunch Day. I didn't know that until Mason came to Take His Mother to Lunch. This is very happy making for the mom. And he paid for the meal, which was really sweet and pampered feeling. It was the brightest spot in my day.  Truly.

It's nice surprises like this that keep sparkle in my life. Blessings abound

I gots a bad case of Red Sox Fever. I wonder if I'll have it for all of Soxtober. Lordy, Lordy, it looks bad for me!

Today I'm grateful for the following:

 Migraine relief from tylenol, advil, coffee and low-lighting.
The end of the work day.

People not yelling at me
Being low key helped to make my symptoms more tolerable.
The last check came from my disability insurance- two months late, but right on time.

The smell of freshly washed sheets newly in from the clothesline, seamlessly fitting the mattress.
Fresh, homemade bread.

Canned Catfood.
Erik's job was extended by a few months. Really Good News.

Blessings abound