January 1, 2014

  • Happy New Year

    I have been remiss in posting here. Or reading. I find the new format difficult to navigate. Part of that is brain fog. Another contributing factor during the fall is that I was feeling better and more able to do more active things as I neared the end of my time with Clarithromycin and Hydroxychlorquine treatment for Lyme Disease. I was able to go to Farmer’s Market most Saturdays and Wednesdays. In July, My son and daughter-in-law announced the  news of a new grandchild, due at the end of March. And to think he will be here in just under three months! My mind is boggled and I am so eager to meet him.

    When Becca reached the twenty week mark, she had an ultrasound and she and Dylan decided to find out the child’s gender. And they invited me to the viewing.  I was moved to tears, to see this little baby about the size of a soda can-they estimated him to weigh eleven months at that time- up on a screen towards the ceiling. The detail was so much more than it was when I had an ultrasound in the early stages of pregnancy. We could see his nostrils, the flow of blood in his heart-so many details! Amazing and moving and something I never thought I would see. I felt honored that Dylan and Becca invited me to be present.

    I have started a new antibiotic, tetracycline. Since I am in the time of increasing dosing and waiting through the reaction, I feel tired and achy.  Seemingly all the time.  It’s pretty draining, and I try to cultivate a positive attitude. Lately, my writing, the essays at any rate, are more private and written in my journal. In all honestly, were it not for Fauquet posting comments, I might not have attempted this post.  So I say: Michael, I am doing well. I will pay more attention to this site and work at communicating more. May you have a blessed New Year.

October 20, 2013

  • The garlic had waited too long, snuggled beneath the straw. With pitchfork poised, the mulch removed, the bulbs revealed. Shaking soil from the chain-lightening white roots, the rattling of leaves above fore spoke the dead of winter. Steely gray clouds boasted of coming snow as our attention focused on the task at hand. Mustard greens added to the harvest, we gathered bouquets of borage, determined to have summer linger a while longer.

September 25, 2013

  • Muddling Through

    I’m having a hard time figuring out how to navigate this new site. I have a lot more comments that are Spam. Figuring out how to delete them as far as approving them has been this morning’s task. I’ve been able to read a few sites, which has been pleasurable, but other aspects of this new format are irksome.  Or maybe what’s irksome is that I’m being challenged intellectually and don’t much like it. Oh,well, exploration it is!

August 20, 2013

  • I Am Only Responsible for My Own Actions and No One Else’s

    I work in a Medical Office. I keep being told that I have too much work to do, that it’s going to be spread out more equitably throughout the work staff. I’ve been hearing this for a year now, since a new manager came to head our office. After yesterday, I am convinced it is bulls**t.  I see that what I have to do is not be angry at the false promises of others and the work ethics of others that make more work for me because I’m the one who finds the omissions and mistakes they’ve made during the course of the day. I have always had a problem of being angry when others have a less than stellar work ethic. I understand that it’s nice to chat at work during the day, and laugh and have jokes, but honestly,it gets a little old when they’re laughing and I’m working.  Today I remind myself I am only responsible for my actions. I am not responsible for their’s. To paraphrase Overeater’s Anonymous,” It’s none of my business what they think of their work ethic.” And I will stop listening to my manager telling me I work too hard. I’m pretty sure that if I didn’t do it, it wouldn’t get done. Several people have expressed that I have,”the worst job in the place.” It’s time I stopped looking to others to make my job easier. Blessings abound.

August 14, 2013

  • Whirlwind

     The past few weeks have been a whirlwind of activity: at least compared to how I have been in the last few years. 

    Work has been busy with docs on vacation, an increase in the need to do prior authorizations – I have a few choice obscene words for the state of insurance and health care in this country, but I will spare you. And a quick trip to Oneonta,New York to help a friend in need. It’s a four hour drive from here. My friend drove and I enjoyed the scenery. Because we had to leave after I was done work an hour later than I normally would be, we stopped at a Mobil of gas around nine thirty at night. My friend gassed up the car and then announced she was going inside to find a restroom and purchase snacks. After a few minutes of sitting in the car, I decided a rest room sounded like a very good idea. I walked away from the car and realized in about five feet I had forgotten my cane. Back to the car, cane retrieved from the back seat. I got about five feet away from the car before I realized I had seen the keys in the ignition. I realized I couldn’t leave the car alone with the keys in the ignition because someone might steal the car. A small chance, but a chance nonetheless. I stood by the car for about five minutes, the need to urinate growing stronger. I was so fuzzy headed I could not figure out how to leave the car safely at the pump at this not very busy station. After a few more minutes passed, a light bulb went on: I could take the keys out of the ignition! With a mental head slap and feeling sheepish, I plucked the keys from the ignition and hobbled into the store. I gave the keys to my friend and we had a very good laugh over my brain fog. Throughout the rest of the trip we would say,” of course, you can take the keys out of the ignition!” and crack ourselves up! We spent a day visiting with my friend, cleaning her home and preparing nourishing food for her to eat during the week. As a treat I made my grandmother’s Hot Milk Cake with fresh blueberries thrown into the batter. The blueberries floated on the top of the cake. It was beautiful when it came out of the oven. 

    Today I am resting and taking it easy. There is a cool,damp breeze kissing me on the cheek from the open window. My coffee is hot and good. Lorabora is resting in the chair, lying on her back,legs up in the air. It is good to take the time to write. I’m glad Xanga is getting a reprise and a shot at continuing. 

    Blessings abound. And you can always take the keys out of the ignition!

     

July 29, 2013

  • Guess I won’t be archiving this blog

    I had held off on archiving, hoping the fundraising would be successful. But tonight, to hedge my bets I thought I would archive. I can’t find the directions on how to do so. I have lost them. So for better or worse, Here it is. Hopefully, there it won’t go. I did pledge and hope the goal is met.Blessings abound.

July 28, 2013

  • Riding the Wave of Life

      Life is testing my ability to stay grounded in the present. This morning I awoke from a fog of bad dreams and the feeling that as a mother I failed my sons in a very crucial way. I had a wonderful time with my sons and their partners yesterday- I haven’t been with all my kids in forever, it seems. Yesterday, to be with them was delicious. And with the knowledge of my first grandchild on the way, it was a truly sweet time. 

      We went to Farmer’s Market in Burlington and it was a large, vibrant city market. The vendors cluster around City Park. The variety is bigger than the Market in Middlebury. So good to meander amongst the many stalls, smell the cooking from Africa, Afghanistan and others.   When it was time to move my car, Beloved Firstborn discovered a trail of coolant streaking down the road. Alas, it originated from beneath my car. I called AAA for a tow, notified my garage and was prepared to ride back to Middlebury with the very personable tow truck driver with an intriquing German accent. However, my kids insisted that I stay with them and spend time. I was so happy they wanted to spend time with me. We wandered about the North End, gathering later around the fan and talking. Becca volunteered to drive me home. I hated to leave them, but I was tired and it was time. 

       I never, ever expected to have a daughter who would say she was glad I was her mother-in-law. But I do. And she did. It makes me weepy.

      This morning I am weepy and overwhelmed. Erik has a hernia repair tomorrow and I am freaked out. I know it is a minor surgery, as surgeries go, but I am scared to death he will die. I have no idea how much the repair on the car will be. The mechanic had said it might be a blown head gasket. Or it might be another broken hose. The hose, would be the preferred option- less expensive, easier to fix and the car is returned faster. Head gasket- not so good, more expensive, maybe costing more than the car is worth. We really can’t afford a car payment at this time. And with the weakness in my left leg I can no longer safely use the clutch in the Jeep. A neighbor has offered to let us use one of their cars to transport him to and from the hospital. But then there’s the matter of my getting back and forth to work Thursday. I don’t know what will happen. I think I could pay one of my neighbor’s to take me to work. Or at least to East Middlebury, where I could catch a ride with one of the docs who lives in Middlebury. 

       I have always hated the Not-Know. This morning it is positively overwhelming. 

       I think the antidote is returning to the basics. Food,rest, reading or writing in my journal. Maybe both. Blessings abound. And I know the situation with my car could have been so much worse yesterday. How fortunate that I parked perpendicular to the gentle slope! Making a gratitude list seems to be in order this morning. And I’m going to be a grandmother! That is a good bit of news. We have a roof over our head, food in the pantry, a job for me and retirement income for him. If the purchase of a new car is necessary, then we can always cut out the internet, the television and my gym membership to make ends meet. The problems are not insurmountable.  We can do this together. And we have pickles in the pantry. Ten quarts of dill pickles were made in the week before this. And they were done by a woman who is much healthier this year than she was one or two years ago. We have companion animals who are a comfort and good to be with. I live in an idyllic spot on a mountain. We have friends. We have family that loves us.  Everything will be alright, it always is.

July 21, 2013

  • Reclaiming Bits of Myself.

    As I progress through Lyme treatment, I have the opportunities to re-claim the ability to do things I had lost.  Yesterday, for the first time in two years, I made pickles. The last time I made pickles I was taking Percocet shortly before I was scheduled to have surgery for my back. 

    Needless to say, they were not the best batch of pickles I have ever made.

    Last year, I was too sick and too tired with treatment to make pickles. The spirit was willing, sort of, and the body very weak and achy. I’m sure my family was a little disappointed because there were no pickles last year. I was disappointed because for most of my life, a way I show love is to cook for my family. The food restrictions associated with my treatment have made me hesitant to make things for my family: cookies, cakes, pies, pasta; that I used to. I am afraid I will not be able to restrain myself from eating the batter and the finished product.  

    Yesterday, through determination and a little help from my husband, I canned fifteen pints of Dilly Beans. I had the satisfaction of hearing fifteen pings through out the evening as vacuum seals were assured for keeping my work safe. 

    Today, I feel as if I were hit by a truck. I stood and processed and lifted for longer than I have in quite a while. I know this will pass. Tomorrow I am ordering twenty pounds of pickling cucumbers from a local farm. Dill Pickles will follow shortly. I cannot express how very, very satisfied I feel. How very hopeful I feel that all the crappy symptoms, fatigue and pain from the die off of these freaking bacteria will in the end, be so very worth it. It already is. I feel very blessed today.

June 30, 2013

  • Time Comes and Goes

     Time comes and goes. Lyme treatment continues. I had a rather troublesome spot over the previous two weeks when starting my current antibiotic duo. The “Brain Weasels”:every paranoid, self-denigrating, depressed thought I have ever had seemingly broke through the jail into which my mind had imprisoned them, and danced morosely through my mind and into my consciousness. Medications were adjusted and eventually, I was returned to a state of equanimity.  This medication combo works more in the brain. I am told that the Brain Weasels are the result of misfiring neurons from the inflammation of the Lyme die-off. It is,to say the least,very unpleasant. 

       Today the sun was shining and I felt well enough, after morning coffee and perusal of the Internet, to walk around outside to view the gardens. The Chief has been the one doing most of the planting and maintaining. I would show you pictures, but I still have not located the digital camera I put away for safe keeping. 

       The grass is thick and dewy, the result of the abundance of rain and humidity we’ve experienced in New England over the last few weeks. Near the Egyptian Mint patch surrounding the apple tree, Asiatic Lilies have been planted. Of the seven bulbs, three have thrust through the soil. One has little buds the size of whole cashews crowning it’s spiky leaves. The irises are past their prime but the lupines are still sporting sword length plumes of that pinky brown color lupines do so well.  Phlox is heading up with buds, the promise of fragrance apparent. The garlic patch is well-mulched, but still had grass sprouting within the rows. I laid down my canes and settled on a hummock of old straw near the outermost row and started to weed. The Chief joined me and weeded three rows in the time it took me to do one. These are very short rows, and was slowed by the cumbersome feel of my body. Still, I found pleasure in reaching in and deftly removing the stalks of grass, sparing the growing heads from the stunting strangulation of the grass roots. I worked a little more in the bed of dill and lettuce adjacent to the garlic patch. The dill has been stunted after surviving a late,unanticipated frost.  They won’t last long enough to make pickles when the cucumbers are ready, so we will harvest them and buy dill from the Farmer’s Market when the time comes for pickling. 

       I did not pickle in 2012. I wasn’t well enough to do so. In 2011, taking Percocet and being in pain, I did pickle with the assistance of a friend. Alas, some of the cucumbers were too big and my judgement none too keen is using them and forcing them into the jar when packing, so a great deal of the batch was lost. I am determined to pickle this year because this is the only culinary way I can nurture my family and show my love. I want to pickle, because it is something I enjoy.  I experience great pleasure at seeing the gleaming glass jars with their brassy, shiny tops and rings in my pantry closet.  I relish the compliments from my family when they receive my gift. It makes me happy.

       I am so much healthier than I was two years ago. For this I give thanks. Their is, potentially, more health, more function, for me to recover and so I continue with Lyme treatment no matter how ignominious it makes me feel. For I am lovingly supported by my husband, my family and friends. They bear me up when I am ashamed of my weakness. They infuse me with determination to persevere. I am lucky to have such love and caring and compassion surrounding me.

    Blessings abound

June 12, 2013

  • It’s Raining Outside

    It’s raining outside, still, and I am having beef soup for breakfast with fresh spinach. It is tasty and savory, the broth satisfying. I  did not relish another breakfast of tortilla with soy butter or eggs or tofu custard. The fresh spinach, heated gently in the broth, is bright green and still pulsing with life. I am eating a most enjoyable breakfast. 

    I am off the Tetracycline and taking two new antibiotics, a half pill of each every other night. I was told to start them during the day and the first few doses of that were detrimental to functioning at work. I am told that this combination of medications helps to work with the bugs in my brain, and so the herxe is not unlike a precipitous drop into depression for several hours. And then anxiety rears it’s ugly head and I am faced with any number of worries that my mind won’t stop re-playing. It has been worst at bedtime. To counteract that onslaught, I am playing soft music in my bedroom at the hour of sleep,interlaced with the sounds of nature. So far it soothes me and calms the anxiety away as I focus on the sounds. Hopefully, by taking the meds at bedtime, this will still work and my brain can whir and twitch the night away in dreams.

    Time to dress and face the day! Blessings abound.