May 30, 2012

  • Stupid

    stu·pid

       [stoo-pid, styoo‐]  Show IPA adjective,stu·pid·er, stu·pid·est, noun

    adjective
    1.
    lacking ordinary quickness and keenness of mind; dull.

    2.
    characterized by or proceeding from mental dullness; foolish;senseless: a stupid question.

    3.
    tediously dull, especially due to lack of meaning or sense;inane; pointless: a stupid party.

    4.
    annoying or irritating; troublesome: Turn off that stupid radio.

    5.
    in a state of stupor; stupefied: stupid from fatigue.
    I feel stupid today. Stupid in my body, stupid in the clumsiness of my hands, the aching of my body and the fatigue that is plaguing me.  So often, I say I feel stupid when I can't make my body be the way I want it to be. My brain struggles to find words, I can't form the proper shapes with my lips, teeth and tongue to say the words burbling in my brain. So many people I know use the word Stupid when referring to how they feel about their body. I've corrected them, offered the reassurance that they are not stupid because they cannot work their body or live in their body without symptoms present from a spirochete that wormed it's way into their body via blood transfusion by tick. 
    Stupid was over-used in my home and vocabulary growing up. A taunting critique when someone failed to make the grade with a mental task or was physically clumsy. According to Dictionary.com being physically inept is not a measure of mental alacrity.  Yet so often I feel mentally dull because I cannot think my way through the symptoms of Lyme. Or Fibromyalgia. Or Depression. Although to hear The Lyme Whisperer talk, all are the results of that one special spirochete multiplying in my fluids, my tissues, my brain.  That hopefully we will find the right combination of medications to correct this thing that has been with me so long I only vaguely remember how I used to be. 
    This is no longer about the ability to overcome through mental prowess. I need the ability to endure to make my way through treatment. I realize that I no longer can overcome my physical limitations through sheer force of will and it makes me angry, sad, raging. I need to find the key to acceptance. Perhaps letting stupid be an adjective and not invective is a start.
    Blessings abound

Comments (2)

  • Is the lyme something that can be "fixed" or is it a permanent thing?

  • @ BellaWolfe:
    There is a lot of controversy over whether chronic Lyme really exists or not. The CDC and an Infectious Disease Society say it does not. However, there is a growing population of Lyme Literate M.D.s who have been treating Lyme in both it's acute and chronic forms. There is treatment: long courses of different antibiotics over several years. A yeast-free diet and yeast killing medication to be taken during the entire course of antibiotic treatment. The longer one has been infected, the longer the course of treatment. There are some Lyme M.D's who treat with intravenous antibiotics and this can result in more dramatic Herxe symptoms due to a rapid die off of the organisms. I am pursuing this course of medication and diet-oral, not intravenous- because I have hope that I can have a good degree of function restored. If nothing else, I am helping my longevity by not allowing the bugs to continue to have carte blanche with my physiology.

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