I had two and one half hours of dental work yesterday.  The anxiety was alleviated through the procedure with some lovely nitrous oxide. Two and one half hours of not feeling awkward, of thinking brilliant thoughts and not so much minding that someone was putting posts in my jaw and cutting away gum. Two and one half hours of thinking of things to blog about and then promptly forgetting what I was thinking. Today I am clearer headed and intermittently being made quite aware of the tooth that had the work. I've spent a lot of time entering data to the computer.

I am grateful for the patch of blue sky seen out my window. Just a tilt of the chin brings blue sky and some flat, white clouds into view. Bring my chin down and the boys are in view in a picture from a couple of years ago. I'm really tired and ready to go home. I have no brilliant thoughts.  I have taxes to wrestle with, mundane chores to occupy my time over the weekend. I'm feeling grateful that things are working their way towards the peaceful and the serene. Erik is going to a Fire Chief class on emergency management on Saturday and I shall have the whole day to myself and the critters.  There's a flower show in Burlington.  Perhaps we'll go Sunday. I'm feeling like being mellow and at home. I'd love it if my weekend were to start now, but it's a case of be careful of what you wish.

Blessings abound

We're sunk in a cold snap again after the coastal storm left nine inches of powder in it's wake. The house is quiet save for the tapping of these keys and the turning of The Chief's latest fire magazine.   I'm home for the day. In theory, I'm supposed to be at the eye doctor's. They had to reschedule as she was up with a sick kid all night and is taking said kid to walk in hours today.  Later this morning it's off to the dentist for two hours in the chair as I have a tooth rebuilt.  In the meantime, I'm enjoying my day off, chatting with a friend in Michigan and enjoying breathing the same air as husband even as we go about our separate activities.

I seem to be on a bit more of an even keel lately. A little less easily rattled when dealing with folks on the phone. A little more able to step away from taking on responsibility for things not of my doing. Yesterday I had to tell a woman that her elderly relative needed to have two units of blood before surgery on Thursday. The only place to schedule the transfusion was tomorrow. This was news to the woman, as neither surgeon nor our doc had told her a transfusion was necessary. Awkward bit of phone time, that. "I'm sorry" seems so very insufficient when stumbling into that conversation. I did have our doc call to try to smooth the waters. I don't know if it helped at all or not.  It's one of those things I must learn to kiss up.

I'm tempted to go take a nap for a bit before my appt. I was awake for about an hour around two thirty this morning. And when I returned finally to sleep, I was helping Toby Keith barbecue large carcasses of meat and chasing high school dance students around, trying to feed them. No wonder I was exhausted when I awoke this morning.

BLessings abound

Weekends are a relief is so many ways. I can control my environment.  I don't have to speak with anyone on the phone or even in person if I don't want to. I can wear comfy clothes. Most of the time I do not experience interruptions which I must address as soon as they arise. I am free of obligation.

Am I really free of obligation? I still have an obligation to keep my word to myself when it comes to my health and my body. I am the only one who can keep promises to me when it comes to changing the way I eat. Same with increasing the way I move. I'm the only one who can keep commitments made to me in those areas. Yes, I do have helpful reminders from those who know me well and who know with what I struggle. I have disappointed myself so many times when it comes to taking care of myself, changing the food I eat, changing my outlook. I've accomplished a lot in my lifetime. I do not treat my children as my mother treated/treats my sister and I. I am more respectful of my husband than I ever observed my mother being with my father. Yet, the one place I consistently drop the ball and break commitments to myself is in the area of weight loss and self control with eating and exercise.  The knowledge of past failures makes it hard for me to trust that I will keep my word to myself this time. I'm doing little things, hoping that they add up. Sugar is the biggest bugaboo in my life. I have a horribly strong sweet tooth. I have cravings that I am ashamed of because I can't control them. I'm not sure if can't is the operative word. Won't may be closer to the truth. Last week I invited friends over for dinner. I made a wonderful macaroni and cheese. The piece de resistance in my estimation was the chocolate cake we had for dessert. I invited these people over mostly because I wanted to have chocolate cake. Yes, I like their company, but really this way I could have my cake and not eat the entire thing myself.  I was aware of my motivation and why I was doing this dinner. Yet stopping myself from having the cake made a part of me angry even as eating the cake made another part of me sad. Still another part of me enjoyed the cake when I ate it. Finally, another part of me was relieved when the cake was gone. Floods of emotions over something as simple as eating a piece of cake.

I am working on my weight in slow steps. I've added more fiber in my diet.  I'm moving my body more. I am cautiously optimistic that I might succeed. I'm also over due for moving around this morning, so I will bid you adieu. Time to spend a few hours outside on snowshoes watching the flakes fly by.

Blessings abound

++--

It is happy making to finally have the computer at home functioning a little bit more quickly than it has been. Yes,it's still dial-up slow. I've had to disabuse myself of the notion that I am entitled to something at home that works with the swiftness of the connections of the computer at work.  I'll take slow moving connection with the privacy and time to write in uninterrupted fashion.  That being said, I have nothing else to say for now.   Seems like a good time for a gratitude list.

I am grateful for the ease with which fifty turned.

I am grateful for the sun in the middle of the snow storms. Beautiful rainbow halos surround the sun in the time between storms.

I am blessed to be with the man I love. Even when he irritates me. And I him.

I am grateful for lemon biscotti.

I am weaning myself off diet sodas, but am experiencing a jump in my cravings for sweet things.  I am grateful for the opportunity to prove to myself that I care enough to keep my word to myself.

I found myself wondering the other day: What if every time a person comes into our awareness, it is an opportunity to bless them? How would this change a person, both the blesser and the blessed? There are several times in my work as a triage nurse that I come from an interaction with a person not feeling blessed or as if the interaction blessed either the person or myself.  Sometimes I feel myself wishing I never had to deal with certain individuals. Other times, I'm not very proud of my lack of neutrality, let alone compassion. Some folks bring out in me a revulsion, a disdain, for my dealings with them. It is not one of my traits of which I am proud.

I am grateful for LoraboraLabradora. We take her with us when we go to visit our friends, Gert and Herbert. Gert and Herbert are in their mid to late eighties. Gert recently had another birthday. Today we brought her flowers, a card and LoraBora. Gert is slight of build and very gray haired. She has a tight sounding voice, the result of coffee irritating her cords until she finally quit consuming caffeine. Lora's so used to being at G & H's that she knows the cabinet where her crackers are kept. Gert's favorite way to interact with Lora is to put a Ritz cracker in her mouth and hold it out for Lora. Lora then very delicately, reaches out with her muzzle and takes the cracker from Gert's lips. Gert will do this for as much of a stack of crackers as she can hold in one hand. Both dog and my dear friend seem to grow happier just being in each other's presence, and then the crackers come out and there's more laughter from my elderly friend. Her pale, veined hands stroke the soft blond head of my boon companion.  Today, even Herb got in on the act by poking the hind quarter of the dog (gently) just as she was reaching over the recliner to take the cracker from Gert's mouth. Such a simple thing made five beings happy for a small  amount of time.

I am grateful for the presence of Gert and Herb in our lives.

Blessings abound

I wish my computer at home worked better. I've become spoiled with the broadband access at work. Dial up at home just seems to take forever, so I go and do a chore and come back to the machine to see whether or not it's blessed me with a viable screen or if I have to make further adjustments or do another chore. Usually, I get to do another chore.

I feel as though I am digging a deeper rut for myself with the weekends fleeing before the inexorable march of the workweek. I had a migraine at work last week and spent a lot of time lying in a darkened room. Just to be away from the onslaught of work was a relief. But I'm back at work and keeping up with  things for the most part.

A bit of blah, because I can't relax into a good flow on the work computer- it just doesn't feel right, as if I were stealing their time. blessings abound

I wish my computer at home worked better. I've become spoiled with the broadband access at work. Dial up at home just seems to take forever, so I go and do a chore and come back to the machine to see whether or not it's blessed me with a viable screen or if I have to make further adjustments or do another chore. Usually, I get to do another chore.

I feel as though I am digging a deeper rut for myself with the weekends fleeing before the inexorable march of the workweek. I had a migraine at work last week and spent a lot of time lying in a darkened room. Just to be away from the onslaught of work was a relief. But I'm back at work and keeping up with  things for the most part.

A bit of blah, because I can't relax into a good flow on the work computer- it just doesn't feel right, as if I were stealing their time. blessings abound

I wish my computer at home worked better. I've become spoiled with the broadband access at work. Dial up at home just seems to take forever, so I go and do a chore and come back to the machine to see whether or not it's blessed me with a viable screen or if I have to make further adjustments or do another chore. Usually, I get to do another chore.

I feel as though I am digging a deeper rut for myself with the weekends fleeing before the inexorable march of the workweek. I had a migraine at work last week and spent a lot of time lying in a darkened room. Just to be away from the onslaught of work was a relief. But I'm back at work and keeping up with  things for the most part.

A bit of blah, because I can't relax into a good flow on the work computer- it just doesn't feel right, as if I were stealing their time. blessings abound

Husband definitely gets major points for how he handled this Fiftieth Birthday of mine:

Orchids at work.  His usual card. Whisked away to dinner at Blueberry Hill Inn Saturday night. I consumed three quarters of a bottle of  oxymoron wine ( white merlot) and we had a great time. Boy Wonder came Friday night and we supped together and he made breakfast for all of us Saturday morning. All very happy making.

And today's sign of hope:

I ordered seed catalogs! They'd tapered off and weren't being delivered because I wasn't ordering during my illness phase of the last three years, so I'm setting the flow in motion once more.  Johnny's Selected Seeds are coming to my house, soon. Germination tested and ready to go.  Yes, I know there's still a few feet of snow on the ground and more projected later in the week, but I'm dreaming about my garden and all the bounty it will contain. Food is wealth, these days.

Blessings abound

Time trickles into the weekend, freshet stream of freedom growing bigger. I'm waiting for the work day to be done, praying the talkers in the front office don't notice my idleness as I tap away at the key board. I could be out on time tonight if the last two little ends were tied together. They're not, but at least the tardiness will not be as severe as on any other Friday night.

I turned 50 yesterday. My husband sent me a beautiful bouquet of purple and pink orchids and three blue flag iris with some pungent, spicy greenery interspersed between the blooms. I'm not sure I dare take them home in the car, the cold will shock the orchids too much. And I do like the way they look on my desk here at the orifice I call work.

And now the doc and the patient are in the hallway talking about bucks and moose and I hear the clock ticking and I want to burst out of here and go home. I want to be next to a hot fire with my husband and dogs. Quiet, restorative peace in my home.

Blessings abound

I went snowshoeing for two miles over two hours and saw a lot of nature. I was the slowest of the four of us, but it was worth the sore muscles I'm nursing today! Blessings abound