They both give people hope. They both are straightforward about the work ahead. Both influence me to want to be a better person. The pair are good medicine for these times.

Blessings abound

I'm excited to say that Beloved Firstborn and Becca are safely in state after flying forth from Oregon. Tonight I will dine with them, The Boy Wonder and The Chief. Friend Alex will be there, one of our "unofficial" extra children.  We're going to the GastroPub at The Shoreham Inn.  BF&B are treating us. I haven't seen Dylan since April and am wishing the day would get me there faster. But it will be the same as every day where I must wait for that five o'clock bell to release me from the tethers of work.

Blessings abound

I spent last night listening to Oprah's webcast, the first in the Best Life Series. The topic was weight. And while I won't claim that it got me all fired up about losing weight or changing my life, it did give me food for thought, and made me cautiously optimistic that I can stay with baby steps for the long term instead of giving up quickly when the short term turns out to be SSDD.

I also used the opportunity to show myself that I was doing this for me, making the effort for me. We have dial up at home, so I couldn't down load the soft ware needed to view the webcasts. I stopped at the Fire Station on my way home to use  Broadband and download the necessaries for viewing. At eight thirty I left my warm, toasty living room, wood stove humming out a steady glow of heat and headed in the five degree weather to the Fire Station. I applauded my effort and stayed present for the web cast even as I was wanting to lay my head down and sleep.

I am proud of myself for doing this small thing. I am grateful to have the broad band available at the station.  I am hopeful I can make change in my  life, no matter how uncomfortable I may become. Blessings abound

I had a restorative weekend. Saturday I cashed in my pedicure gift certificate. That was one and one half hours of pure bliss and relaxation. It was a shame I had to place my perfectly purple piggies into hiking boots. Wonderfully soft feet with no talon claws or calluses. Then it was off to Burlington in pursuit of a little light reading material.

Sunday, I felt as though I were on a bit of an emotional roller coaster.  We went for a walk, the greater part of which I whined through. Why did I whine? Because I'm making an effort to walk and work on my weight in a more serious and yet more uplifted way.  I really wanted to put on my skis or my snow shoes, but Erik put the kabosh on that, saying I needed to walk more before I cross country skiied or snow shoed.

Erik was wrong.

Part of my hissy fit was based on the fact that I like to be in the woods. Walking on a road in the middle of the National Forest is not cutting it. I hate that stretch of road. It represents all the work in front of me that I need to do to make myself more presentable. Presentable to whom? Me, mostly.  Walking on that road reminds me of work that needs to be done over and over because it's a process and not a finitely defined ThinG. Walking on that road is not fun for me. I made a mistake in going along with the walk before you ski mentality. We both were aware of it by the time I was done.

More later.  Nobody really needs to read me being a whiner.
Did I mention I love my pedicure? Well, I do.

Blessings abound

I'm tired.
Blessings abound

Earlier, I was angry about my mother and her refusal to go to the setting we had arranged at her request.

Now I am just very, very sad. I've lived my life with a mentally ill mother whose behavior could be called capricious at best. I'm told that as dementia becomes more deeply entrenched in the individual that more of their "true personality" becomes apparent. In my mom's case the lying and manipulation and sexual acting out are intensified. I'm sad that she is like that. Sad that I'll never have the chance to see more of the woman who could be fun. Sad that once she dies, that possibility is no more. Just Sad. I love her, I hate her, I can't stand her behavior. I am fast reaching the point where I will have to decide she is dead to me in order to tolerate this labile and grating behavior and mood.

Blessings abound

Mother refused to go to the assisted living facility.  Eight weeks of work almost down the drain. The insurance will keep her case open until February 4. Since my mother is declaring she is "independent" Sandy will no longer do the laundry, the shopping, the doctor's appts, the running of the cat to the vet.  Boundaries will be drawn. We have initiated talk with a lawyer to have her pronounced of diminished capacity. Neither one of us is happy to be forced to this decision. Matricide has been ruled out as an option. Blessings abound

After a quietish weekend and skipping out on the work Holiday Party - I'm sorry, but Sunday at four p.m. just doesn't work for me- that's prime time to be home time- besides, The Chief was under the weather- I am now back at work. I spent time cuddling with LoraBoraLabraDora on the couch and crushing on the House marathon. Of course, the shows I haven't seen as reruns weren't on until the wee small hours of the morning.   I was a good girl and went to sleep around ten. I had a lovely visit with the Boy Wonder.  I roasted a turkey on Saturday and had a fun time feeding family and friends on a small scale. I won one game of Scrabble and bombed out, tanked in flaming idiocy on the second game. It was the worst Scrabble game of my life!  It was a lovely time.

Administration has been making noises about us not receiving raises this year. Then there was a rumor that only people who scored in the high range of the yearly reviews would receive raises. I'm thinking the latter must be true because I received a so discreet e-mail from my team leader announcing my raise of just under three percent. This is a good thing to have received and I am jumping up and down- on the inside.  Now, if I can get some time off when Beloved Firstborn is here with his girlfriend in January, I'll be a pretty satisfied woman.

Rumor has it that tomorrow my mother will go into assisted living. I suspect when they find out how truly whacky she is they may find she needs more than just the regular assistance. She is supposedly being seen by The Man and his children today and refused to have them see her at Harbor Hill. My sister spoke with The Man, whom we'd asked to avoid mother for the time being, and he claims he never specified a date to see her with the kids and that he would take them to see her at Harbor Hill if we wished. Sandy told him to just make sure she saw the kids on Monday because Tuesday she is definitely moving into the new quarters. I've not spoke with Mother since Christmas Day and have no intention of speaking to her again this year. Yes, it sounds dramatic, but there are only three wounding days left to this year.  I'll be damned if I'm going to step in  front of the locomotive again before 2009 dawns quietly on the horizon.

In the meantime, I am gearing up my conviction to change my eating and exercise habits. I think I can make some small changes. In the meantime, I will do my best to be kind to myself and to stay out of harm's way. Blessings abound

Christmas has come and down.  It was an emotional affair for me. Mostly sentimental, gooshy feelings.  We had presents, though not as many as in other years. The ones I received seemed more special.  A Willow Tree Angel of friendship from Marci.  A gift certificate from The Chief for a facial and pedicure, along with hair cut and brow wax- I feel guilty about that one as he spent more than we had agreed upon for each other. On the other hand, he knew exactly what I needed and the promise of Spa Bliss is staying with me even as I am back to work today.   My friend Gert, the Grandmother of Whom We Do Not Speak, gave me a piece of old barn slate with the words" I love you" prettily painted on the heart shaped slate.  I bawled my eyes out on that one for a few minutes.

I had a delicious and delightful hour long conversation with Beloved Firstborn around eight a.m.  So good to hear his voice and hear of the things going on in his life.   The Chief and I leisurely opened presents.  I put the finishing touches on the chocolate mousse  and cheese cake I made for dessert.   I chatted with my sister who told me Mom is procrastinating going to the nursing home on Monday.  The doctor wouldn't sign off on her orders so she could go in Christmas Eve- too busy to do, we were told.  Mom said she couldn't go Monday because Fantasy Man is coming to see her at the house with his two young children.  When I spoke to mom later in the day to wish her a Merry Christmas, she told me she had company coming on Monday and she couldn't go in then.  When I asked who, she said she wouldn't tell me because I got, " all hysterical" the last time I spoke with her. I explained to her that I was not hysterical but angry with her for her treatment of my sister. She started laughing at me and again accused me of hysteria.  I wished her Merry Christmas and hung up on her, her stupid laughter ringing in my ears, my heart feeling bruised as I wondered why she couldn't be more like Gert. 

I am trying not to hate my mother, trying to love whatever she is becoming, but it is so hard. Loops play in my head, loops of things she has said to me, loops I have said to myself, trying to figure out what there is to be learned from this, trying not to make myself responsible for her behavior.

We feasted with friends.  It was a wonderful dinner with Rare Roast Beast and wine.  The conversation was lively. I hated to go home, but after three hours we left, not wanting to turn into the Things That Wouldn't Leave. I read for a while from a fun little novel Boy Wonder had given me. Today I am back at work, wishing I were home, wondering when I should call my mother next, if ever. Sandra has told her that Tuesday she goes to her new "home" no excuses, no ifs, ands or buts. My sister is handling this well, but we are both tired of my mother's bullshit, magnified by dementia. 

Blessings abound

All the test results are entered. Only a few hours left to a so far fairly mellow day at work.  I've bought a rutabaga and some semi-sweet chocolate chips. They will not be used in the same recipe.  The Chief has wrapped the presents- I hope. 

My mother is going into an assisted living set up either today or Friday. An ironic Christmas present.  I do believe it is the better place for her to be. The man she's been romanticizing thinks of her as a mother or grandmother and revealed that she calls him at all hours of the day and night. She has greeted him half naked at the door.  I don't want to know which half she bared to share. Not a pretty picture at any angle.

I'm  grateful that I'll be able to see Boy Wonder for Christmas.  I miss Beloved Firstborn, but he and Becca will be visiting in a very few weeks, so that is cause for much celebration.  We are all healthy. Lately, I've been feeling some of my zest return. This is a very good thing. The Chief is drawing from unemployment and I  am grateful for the help with the finances. I have good friends (thanks, Lynn!) who remind me of who I am. We live in a warm home, have food to eat, and pets that love us.  I am alive in a season that reminds one of love and hope for all. Tomorrow we will feast with friends and enjoy the miracle that is family together. Much love to you. Blessings abound