Feeling much better after acupuncture tonight. Time for a snack and then toddle off to bed. Blessings abound

I've had another antibiotic increase. I was handling it fairly ok, but over the last few days, it's been giving brain fog and depression and I have to remind myself that it's the bugs dying off that is making me feel worse. 

  I think I'm doing ok at work. Making it through the fog, concentrating. I've been dealing with two passive aggressive individuals that I must interact with. Most recently, one of them took it upon herself to take a fax, addressed to me, to another co-worker and when it confirmed what she assumed, decided to send it back to the faxing party with a message that was highly inaccurate. With my name crossed out to boot. I confronted her because it made me angry.  Since then, I have been edgy and easy to cry. I kept it together at the office, even though I wanted to fashion her a new anal orifice. Last night, I couldn't find Erik in the house, and it is a pretty small house. I ended up crying in his arms because in a very small amount of time- we're talking seconds, half a minute,, tops- I was sure he was dead. Instead, I found him sitting in the dark, on the porch, smoking his pipe and listening to the falling rain. 

I'm not interested in eating, which is a new thing. And if I am not vigilant, I get too hungry without seeming to sense it, and I end up crying.  I cooked a batch of home-made sausage and I'm making myself eat two patties to bring my blood sugar up and maintain a semblance of balance.

In the meantime, I have supportive friends and family.. 

Blessings abound

It's been a while since I posted. I continue on the Lyme protocol. I had an increase in my antibiotic two weeks ago and I didn't get worse. I just kept feeling better. So I checked in with The Lyme Whisperer by phone and after a few questions answered, I hope, to his satisfaction, he decided to increase me to three times a day with the Amoxicillin five days a week. After I got off the phone, I immediately popped two of those bad boys in my mouth and swallowed. Then I went to fill my pillbox for the remainder of the week and realized that I had just taken two about two hours before. By the evening I was restless and slave to an over-active intestinal tract.  To make matters worse, I had recently eaten some roasted vegetables that are on the minimize list three days in a row and my body was determined to be rid of them.  So, Thursday I stayed home from work, knowing I couldn't do my job the way I was. I slept and took the increased antibiotics. Friday was somewhat better. Fortunately, I was blessed by a slower day at work. 

I'm having more good days as I adjust to the increases in medication. Sure, there's brain fog and difficulty finding words. But my pain level is improved and I am able to enjoy the beauty around me. The leaves have started to turn in scattered spots on the mountain. As with everything this year, it is early, but autumn is in the air. 

I have to count my blessings. I am so much healthier than I was last year at this time. I was recovering from back surgery and the entire state was trying to recover from Irene. I can walk without the nerve pain and stand straighter. The burning in my arms and hands isn't as bad as it was. I am being more selective in the activities I choose. No pickling, sadly, this year. I have to plan my energy expenditure with an eye towards conservation in order to work. Irks me, but one day this will not be the case.  My energy will be improved and I will have a garden and pickles in the pantry. Here's hoping.

Beloved Firstborn is now a Certified Nursing Assistant. I was surprised at the amount of pride felt at his deciding to take the course and work in the field. It's steadier work than that associated with his Bachelor's in Communication. It will help him support Becca as she finishes her last year of undergraduate work and starts interviewing for Med School. I am eagerly looking forward to the day when they will be on the East Coast and easier to visit. 

Towards the end of September, I am taking a visit to NYC to visit with Boy Wonder and Shana. We'll go to the museum and a show. I've advised him I can't do both in one day and we are planning accordingly. Hopefully, I'll be through this increase and able to enjoy myself. 

Blessings abound

My joints hurt today. My wrists burn, I am still a loving mother.

My eyes are more sensitive to light. I still have a sense of humor. 
I have nausea from the antibiotics and Herx today. I am compassionate and always working to increase my compassion to myself and others. 

I spent most of the last thirty-six hours in bed. I am determined to see this through and be healthier.

I am so tired I want to cry. I am determined not to. I am stubborn. 

I am not the sum of the pain of my parts. I am a good nurse, a conscientious person, a kind and loving friend. I am not my symptoms. I am not Lyme Disease, no matter how much it tries to consume my life. This is one of those weeks where I only have the energy to work and rest and not much else. My husband cannot hug me or offer the comfort of touch because to be touched means to hurt more. Still, I long for the comfort of his touch. 

Our blueberries are ripening on the bushes, bending the branches to the ground. I cannot eat them because they will feed the yeast. This is not deprivation to deny myself those little treasures. This is self-discipline in the hopes of cure.

Just as I am not only a nurse, I am not only Lyme Disease. I am a smart, witty, caring woman who happens to be a nurse, a person with Lyme Disease, a mother of two. I am strong and capable but temporarily limping along because of my disease and it's treatment. 

Blessings abound. 

  So much of how treatment for Lyme seems to proceed is dependent on how I have been responding to treatment. Usually when I speak with The Lyme Whisperer, it is in the morning, eightish, and I am still feeling not quite fully awake as I ready my work station for the days calls. I'm always asked how I've been feeling. Tired is the most common response. Last time he asked me if he'd pushed me to my limit yet and I responded, no.  Reaching my limit means I have been reduced to a sobbing mess, angry and tired and sad. Overwhelmed by the circumstances at hand. So far my coping skills have held.  So far about a week and one  half have passed since the latest antibiotic increase. I've noticed that the day after an antibiotic day yields more fatigue and more "Lyme brain." The weekend finds me feeling as if I could do something fun, like go to the Farmer's Market, but then I'm at the Farmer's Market and my balance is off, my limbs feel leaden and I am all of a sudden drained of energy. Then spouse trundles me into the Jeep and we go home where I rest and wonder how I could have mis-read my energy so badly. I just don't have any reserves. My antibiotics are taken on Monday, Wednesday and Friday. Monday my energy felt pretty good and work went well even though I was busier than a one-armed paper hanger. Tuesday I was more tired. Today, a Wednesday, I felt better and was able to deal with work but had a little more brain fog. When I came home I poured a glass of seltzer for myself and then took a plate to the recliner when I meant to take my glass. Wacky stuff like that. And I am having more trouble with word finding. Overall, pretty manageable. 

   I am taking a trip to Syracuse this weekend. A friend invited me to visit her son with her. Nick is an unofficial Son Number # and is dear to my heart. I'm working four days in a row this week in order to have Friday off. So far so good. It's a five hour drive from here to Syracuse. I'm packing seltzer and acceptable proteins to help me deal with the yeast free diet while I'm there. I'm hoping I'll be up to walking in the Farmer's Market and visiting. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that this will be so.  

  In the meantime, when I drive home in the evening, I am the subject of my own music video, accompanied by Florence and the Machine. The best part of the drive unfolds in the woods along the river on Lincoln Road. Cool, green and unencumbered with signage. 

Blessings abound

   I'm a little overdue for a Gratitude List. The way I'm feeling this morning, I think it's time enumerate my blessings. 

   I am grateful for the fatigue and body aches that have come with the most recent increase in my antibiotic therapy. It means the Amoxicillin is working and killing off those dastardly spirochetes from the Lyme infection. I am grateful to have found a doctor who can help me feel better. 

   I am excited and hopeful that my new Practice Leader seems to get how busy and stressful my position can be. Maybe life at work will become a little better. 

   I am grateful for supportive friends and family who keep my spirits up and give me comfort when I am hurting.  I love that they are there for me.  I am also grateful for my local Lyme sisters who have gone ahead of me and pointed me in the right direction to regaining my health. 

  I am grateful for my Wednesdays off. It gives me opportunity to rest mid-week so I can continue to do my job more effectively when I am there.

 I LOVE MY DOG! She is a cuddler and a comfort. Even as I am typing this, she is sleeping in the recliner, the rhythmicity of her breathing relaxing me.

  I am grateful that my children are healthy and seeming to have lives that work for them. And though they have moved away, some farther than others, I am grateful that they choose to stay in contact with me. 

   I am grateful for the love and support of my husband. He is always there for me when I need him. He talks with me while I am waiting for the pain to go away, distracts me from my bad moods with teasing and is a devoted volunteer Fire Chief. You'd think that would make him less available, but when I really need him to, he is there for me.

  I am grateful that nothing is permanent.

Blessings abound

  I've tried to post a couple of times, but fatigue and myalgia got in my way. I had a thick case of brain fog and would stare at the screen. The words in my head a moment before vanished into the air.

   I started the antibiotic regimen eight days ago. My fatigue feels worse. The brain fog is not as bad as it was on the first day. However, on the days I take the amoxicillin, I do notice an increase. I'm also noticing some increase in light sensitivity. I can't get my computer screens dark enough. There's always some aspect of glare. I've ordered some sunglasses from www.noir-medical.com. They filter our infra-red and blue light spectrum. I'm looking forward to the glare reduction, but feel a bit embarrassed that I'll be wearing dark glasses. This adventure into the signs my body is sending me leads me once more back into that childhood morass of telling my mother I had:insert symptom here and my mother telling me I was not sick. I came to doubt that what I was experiencing was Real when the biggest authority in my life was telling me I wasn't sick, I was faking it, it was all in my head. I learned one other lesson, in addition to my inability to accurately read what my body was telling me, I had the will power to make it go away. If I just tried harder, it would all go away. 

   I've discovered, once again, that no matter how hard I try to ignore things, or be a " well person with symptoms" as an old teacher taught, that some states of being, no matter how hard I try to ignore them or will them away, are not figments of my imagination, but real states of disease in which one needs treatment.  I am fortunate to have stumbled upon a doctor who has offered me an explanation for my state of health that has the possibility of improvement. As confused as I was when he told me i had Lyme or a Lyme-like illness, I am feeling more sure that I am doing the right thing. And I'm angry that my mother taught me to doubt myself in so many ways, more than just that I was reading my body signs wrongly.  It's a sadness more than the old anger. Because it is Chronic Lyme, and so difficult to diagnose, I don't know that I would have been more persistent trying to find an explanation for my symptoms. If it hadn't been for the presence of women in my life who have strived to improve their own state of health, perhaps I would still be trying to push my way through Fibromyalgia to try to be a better person.

 Brain fog is setting in and the glare of the computer screen no longer tolerable. Blessings abound.

  I've had a busy day. Up early with the dog and then husband's pipe smoke wafting into the bedroom window from the porch. So I did the usual Sunday thing: read, do word games, drink coffee. Then I spent the morning with my friend, Pauline. We've been friends since I moved here and both our boys were in kindergarten together. She used to be big like me. She's lost over one hundred pounds in the last few years. She's able to do more active things than I am due to her improved health and natural need to be a body in motion.  At want point we played cards a lot and ate and celebrated. Our focus when together has shifted. We spent three hours together, talking, drinking coffee and catching up. At one point we were talking about how to avoid low blood sugar when I realized that I was having symptoms of the topic at hand. Some nuts, some carrots and cucumbers and I started to feel better. Ironically, she has less in her refrigerator to deal with things like blood sugar dips, so there wasn't much respite from the sensation I was beginning to recognize as hunger. So i bid her good-bye and headed home. 

   I wasn't home very long before i decided to cut up tofu for the weekly ritual of marinating. I was so hungry, I ate some uncooked tofu before it was able to hit the marinade. To my surprise, I liked it. I must have been some hungry in order to like raw tofu!  I've also started using some soy milk to cut down on the amount of dairy I consume. It's tasty, unsweetened and has some vanilla flavoring in it, so I enjoy it. Plus, it has fewer carbohydrates than fluid whole milk, so less sugar to feed the yeastie beasties. I don't see myself cutting out the half and half for my coffee until I am prescribed the antibiotics that require one to avoid milk. Eventually, I'll get there.

Time to bake the tofu! 

Blessings abound

  Another Monday morning and I am so relieved I do not have to be at work for it. I slept a little later after bringing Lora in with us at six. Our good friend Amanda is sleeping on the pull out couch in the living room and I didn't want Ms. LabraDora to give her an early morning wake up call. 

  I've been ruminating about Lyme disease. Watched the extended trailer for "Under Our Skins" and thought for a few minutes that perhaps the diagnosis is incorrect because I don't have the horrible neurological symptoms others have. That thought lasted a short while as I was reminded of the neurological glitches I have: intermittent expressive aphasia. Ringing in my ears. Fasciculations of muscles- just because.  My left eye twitches intermittently. It was worse last week during a jam-packed work week and after the emotional occasion of Skip's death.  It's calmed down for now. I am grateful. 

   Yesterday I re-potted some house plants. I want to work in my raised bed for herbs so very much, but I am reluctant to because of the pain in my hands. They burn, and if I were truly honest about it, I shouldn't be typing this, I should let my hands rest. However, I need to express myself and so typing it is.

  I picked flowers yesterday: Wands of Bleeding Hearts, stalks of Lily of the Valley, a lone pink tulip with black commas inside the flower. Ferns, leaves.  I placed them in a square vase, carefully augured holes into the florist's foam and placed the delicate stems into the openings. They didn't look perfect and I self-flagellated for a few moments. But then I let go and enjoyed the colors of the plants, the crystal level of the water above the foam and the facets of the glass vase. I am a little like that arrangement. Not perfect, but satisfactory even for my flaws. 

Blessings abound