December 30, 2012

• I Feel a Shift

     New Year's Approaches once again.   Once I grew through the phase of partying to keep me from thinking of all the things I wasn't in the year passed, I felt melancholy at all that I had not done, the time wasted. It was a refrain of the never-ending song of Not Enough. This year, I feel a shift. I find myself grateful for the abilities I did not have last year. I see the gains I have made. A few minutes ago, I was lighting the fire in the living room. The black stove roared to life after the match was put to paper, kindling and the larger logs that keep us warm this time of year. Music was playing and I found myself curious as to whether I could move my feet in some semblance of dancing.  I tried a few quick steps and was pleased to find my feet and legs obeying my attempts to frolic. One year ago at this time, I could not do that. When I went to my office Holiday party and I danced, it was with a cane and the support of my husband. Waltzing was difficult as my feet did not want to lift. This year at the party, I will be able to dance a little and hopefully not feel exhausted. I feel hopeful.  I am grateful to have that feeling at a time of year that finds me sulky and moody and counting my shortcomings. 

     Treatment for Lyme progresses. I had a bit of a set-back when having dental work done. The additional antibiotic I took to keep me from getting an infection on my knee replacements knocked my body out of balance. Balance is improved, but I now take an additional yeast medication. I had to stop the antibiotic for Lyme for a while. Starting it up again full strength fatigued me and reminded me of how I used to feel. That seems to be resolving. I'm looking forward to one day not feeling the burning in my arms and the achy pain that suffuses my body.  Equilibrium is being restored, little by little. 

     I appreciate my job and co-workers now than I have in the past. There is an improved sense of co-operation and camaraderie. I feel valued by my Practice Leader and the docs. There is still some back-biting and sniping, but it is much better than it once was. I have a nicer work station and it is more comfortable in which to work. A correction to my eye glass prescription has made working on the computer easier. Rumor has it I no longer look constipated when concentrating on my work. Perhaps they are just being kind. 

     This year I did not try to force the decorating and trappings of Christmas through my fatigue, aches and pains. I purchased a little boxwood tree from the florist. Erik festooned the picture window in the living room with multi-colored lights. We had dinner with friends and talked with the boys. It was a good day and satisfying even without the tree, the moving of furniture and all that decorating for Christmas usually entails. It is just the two of us. It was good enough.

     I weigh forty pounds less than I did last year at this time. I strictly adhere to the no-yeast diet The Lyme Whisperer has me on. There were times I resented my co-workers and their ability to eat the sweets and starches that would sicken me.  I made it through the feast times by bringing my own food, some un-sweetened seltzer and reminding myself that this was not a punishment but an act of self-discipline that would help me be healthier in the long run.   For me to remember this is a huge step that I had not taken last year. Trying to cover my inadequacies, real or imagined, with food is not my first coping mechanism anymore. If I need to, I have friends and family who remind me that I am loved just as I am. I believe them more now than I ever have. 

    I am truly blessed. Happy New Year!

  Blessings abound

  • 4:39 pm
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