February 24, 2013

• Sometimes, A Girl Just Wants Her Mother

     The tetracycline is working. I take five hundred milligrams, for the most part daily. I say for the most part because as the herxe symptoms increase,i.e., more brain fog, all over aches and pains and stifling fatigue, I start to become overwhelmed. My doc has told me that it's ok to hold the tetracycline at those times. Friday I decided that overwhelmed was a state that didn't necessarily mean crying and totally exhausted. This was after talking with my doc. My practice leader let me leave work an hour early as it was quiet in the office.  I was achy and tired and a little teary, but otherwise ok. 

     Saturday I hurt too much to sit up. Reading was difficult, the sound of music irritating and the only places comfortable were the couch and our bed. I briefly went outside with Lora, ostensibly for play time. She frolicked in the snow with an overly large green and blue hard ball. Me? I leaned on the railing of the entryway. Then I wove my way to the large sugar maple I call Mother. She is big and round with a spreading crown of branches.  She calls me to her when I am aching or tired or , well, many states of being. I spent time leaning against her, my body relaxing into the cold support of a tree in winter. I stayed there a while.  Lora played. I listened to the wind, heard the tree tops brushing the sky.  Then I staggered into the house, more relaxed and ready to lie down.  

    Today I want my Mother. Not the tree, not the woman in the assisted living facility with dementia. Not the paranoid schizophrenic present for most of my life. I wanted "Mumma", the woman on whose lap I could sometimes rest my head. She would stroke my brown hair and I would relax into her touch. Such sweet times. 

    And so I become my own Mumma. I dress in soft and flowing clothing, nothing binding, nothing tight, as this is a day when it hurts to wear clothing.  I surround myself in memories of her soft touch, the songs she would sing at bedtime. I sing to myself. I practice Tonglin, lying in bed, dedicating my suffering to others so that they might find comfort, healing, peace. I cuddle Lora, a living teddy bear. I eat healthy food. I ask for help from my husband so the hurt will not overwhelm me. Most of all, I remember that from this pain, a result of killing Lyme spirochetes, I will come out on the other side of this healthier, more energetic and more myself. 

  Blessings abound

  • 11:35 am
  • 2 Comments