February 27, 2013

• How I am Today.

     Facebook likes to ask how I am on a seemingly daily basis, if not more.  Today I am tired, achy and happy.  Seems as though one of those things does not belong with the others, but it is possible. I'm tired from working and making the two hour long trip to see the Lyme Whisperer today for my appointment. Achy because I spent a lot of time in the car and because I am herxing. And it turns out I am a bit forgetful because I've eaten my dinner, being cautious not to have any dairy for two hours before dinner.  Only I forgot to take the tetracycline. So now, what do I do? I think given the scenario that skipping tonight's dose is the way to go. Which brings me to :happy.

     I'm happy because today The Lyme Whisperer helped me redefine overwhelmed.  For me, overwhelmed has meant broken-down, crying no more strength to do anything, somebody help me find a way out because I can't see the way myself.  Generally, the solutions are basic: eat something healthy, rest. Take a shower. Sit quietly with a cup of tea. Cuddle with LoraBora. Go for a walk. So when the Lyme Whisperer told me last week over the phone not to take the antibiotic if feeling overwhelmed, I realized in my foggy,achy state that a re-assessment was in order.  

     I have a penchant for pushing through physical pain and fatigue to do my job, meet my home obligations and take care of others. Some days with Lyme, I have all I can do to get myself out the door, with a lunch packed and my teeth brushed. My husband helps me a lot with this. He brings me coffee in bed. Lights a fire in the living room when it's cold and I feel it more than he does. Watches the end of the driveway so I don't back into the path of the on-coming school bus when the banks of snow obscure my vision.  And then I go to work and put my energy into being as present as I can possibly be at work. I worry about the Prior Authorizations I'm not getting done in what I consider to be a timely fashion because there is just too much to do.  I feel guilty because the papers keep piling up and my desk is never clear.  The thought that becoming overwhelmed as I have previously defined it may not be the best definition by which to live my life is now in the forefront. 

    LW agreed that while my definition of overwhelmed was pretty good, he proposed a modification: If I'm having symptoms that feel as if they are too much to manage, then I can skip a dose.  He would prefer that I take it more slowly. The Lyme bugs are not going to become resistant to the antibiotic . My bodymindspirit is not going to become overwrought by "gutting it out." My parent's imparted a very strong work ethic into me, to the point where the lack of self-care has often taken the backseat to the needs of others. Nursing school further re-inforced that one do the job no matter what, that sick people are depending on the nurse and she is the double-check that keeps very human doctors from (hopefully) not making very human errors themselves. I,wanting to be the good, helpful girl that everyone will like because I am so helpful bought it hook, line and sinker. 

     I am relieved that I can be kinder to myself. I am relieved that tonight forgetting to take my antibiotic is a sign of how very tired and foggy I am and that it is appropriate not to take a medication that will make me more foggy and achy in the morning. 

  I am happy because someone in authority has given me permission to relax. That pushing harder will not get me better faster and will possibly prolong the process. I am happy that I have come along far enough in my life that I accept this permission.

  Blessings abound.

   

   

   

  • 6:42 pm
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