June 1, 2013

  • Pain

    Sometimes I wonder why I have pain.  I know the biology of pain. I am aware that a tick bit me and unleashed a hailstorm of twisted spirochetes into my blood stream. Said spirochetes have drilled and filled their way into many parts of body, permeating me from the cellular level into the complexly developed organism that is me. Unfortunately, the simple reason doesn't always find me feeling satisfied.  How could something so minute as a bacteria wreak so much havoc on a living system?

    I see examples all around me in nature. Yet I cannot accept that this is the explanation applying to my complicated mammalian self. 

    Sometimes I wonder if I have taken on some of the pain of every person for whom I've cared. I've been a nurse for thirty years now. Before I knew how to ground myself and protect myself from the energy of others, I thought I felt so much of what they were suffering. I wanted to take their pain away, fix their problem. As I've aged, I've learned that I cannot take away the pain of another.  I can, though, be a witness to their suffering and offer what I can to help. Sometimes the only thing I can do is stand or sit with them and let them know that I am listening. That all my attention and empathy is theirs in that moment. It is hard work to stay with some one while they work out their own soothing. It is a simple act to stay with someone who is working out how they will cope. 

    I have a teacher who teaches," Simple never easy."  She is so right about that. As a human being I want to fix to do, to attend to all the details to the point of distraction. Besides, if my suffering is more than basic biology, isn't it somehow more noble? How totally fatuous of me!  

    I used to dissociate from my feelings, both physical and emotional. I still do it sometimes, but I am more and more present in my own body of experience. I am observing the situations that happen to me in most moments and seeing that not all things are caused by me or punishment. It is cause and effect, energy changing. I am still working this out. I feel as if I am on the verge of an important revelation about myself. Like a word on the tip of my tongue, I cannot say it.  It eludes me through no fault of my own. Evidently, it is not the right time for revelation. It is the time for listening to bird song, smelling the lilacs through the open window and avoiding the sun so it does not sicken me. 

    Blessings abound.

Comments (3)

  • I won't ever forget you.

  • We can have compassion but we do not endure the sufferings of the other.
    I wish the best for you ,Tam

    Love

    Michel

  • You have stated the point exactly, @Michel,and this has been a hard lesson for me to learn. For so long, I wanted to take away the pain of those with whom I worked, and I think to a degree I took on some aspect of that. It takes discipline for me to give care to another and witness them working through the pain. Thank you,@Michel.

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